Reflections from San Jose

With my dedication to the sacred courtesan school made, I have been chomping at the bit to get started. My first intensive isn't even until mid-November. It has been a practice of patience, and dedications to commitments.  Indeed, there are a thousand little things I can do to be preparing (like writing more for this blog, hmm?) for the course. 

My weekend in San Jose went rather well. I met some wonderful people, and I was reminded that being open and extending trust are the foundation of relationship, of connection. Even a random stranger can amaze you with profundity if you are open to listening. It can feel like an odd thing to do with a stranger, in a culture where we are told to distrust everything: strangers, the media, our government, our senses. We are even told to discount ourselves. Most of our wounds, then, are truly about trust and connection.

I also recognized how centered on self I have been...in my motivations, my plans, my goals, in my work. Even my motivation in giving pleasure seems somewhat rooted in self desires. And in seeing this, I realize that it's also okay. I'm not totally self-focused, I seem to be focusing my energy where I most need healing. This weekend, I turned that around. I focused more on perceiving the needs of others, and being fulfilled through the satisfaction of those needs.

There was a profound realization in doing this, in shifting the focus from mere desires, to the need for connection, the need to be heard. The healing goes both ways. When a true connection is made, trust is exchanged and both people are open to the other...the energy flows in a wider circle, it circulates and is cleansed. Healing is generated by the two, by the connection. It's not a one way transmission.

What is even more beautiful to me is the thought that this healing will continue, that is will be spread by connection. The healing is shared, and the open we are to it, the more it is shared, the more it regenerates. 

Amulet

I wear a Goddess amulet more often than not, and I'm often asked which Goddess she is. The funny thing is, I never had an answer. It was not clearly any one goddess, no identifying symbols. I had asked many times, which Goddess are you, and she remained silent.  So I always insisted that she was the Nameless One, she represented all Goddesses.

As a witch, I believe things happen for a reason, especially concerning magical objects. My most powerful objects have always found me, I didn't go out looking for them. So when my Nameless Goddess decided stay behind for a prolonged visit...well, I hope She knows what she's doing.

I've been ever so distracted without it. And I think I took it for granted, didn't even realize how it's helped to shield and ground me.  The huge onyx on the back would do that. And of course, absorbing all that beautiful energy that I work with. In some ways, it has been good to go without. I am feeling more sensitive to the energies around me, allowing more work with them. And I can only hope She is bringing juicy healing to her guest.

Working this week, and especially this weekend, without her has been interesting. I think I've been taking a few more chances, relying more on intuition and strength of self to guide my choices. I am making an effort to feel the vibrations of people and how our vibrations harmonize.  I am sort of an auto-tuner....I easily harmonize with others vibrations. That's all part in how I work, I am realizing. Harmonize, guiding in building energy to heal, to attract, or release unwanted things.

And then, just last night...after a day of distractions and bounty in turn, in a moment of solitude, she spoke her name to me: babalon, Babalon, BABALON! She is the voice that calls me back towards the amulet, the Great Whore urging towards the sacred annihilation of sex, seeking her Beast to ride. She whispers her lessons to me in these moments, dancing in my kimono and victora secret's....

Healing doesn't always need to be serious. There is healing in laughter, in play, in fucking. It's in the open-hearted acceptance of all desires that breaks the shell of shame. There is healing in separation and solitude, as much as in union. And allowing for the universe to seek its natural balance, always working with the currents and not against them.

A Formal Dedication

After so much writing, anticipating, more journaling, meeting up and discussing, I've taken my next big step. Today I made a formal dedication to a sacred courtesan program, that is also an initiatory program. It's exactly what I asked the universe for. (Much better results than asking Santa.)

Just a couple years ago, I gave myself a cute little stripper name and set up shop on redbook. I had my challenges and doubts. There are probably a few to come, but as before I'll work through them. I even took a little break, and was happy for that too. It was the chances I was afforded when I came back that have paid off the best, by far. 

And throughout it all, have been all you specials guys out there. If you've seen me, or called, or just commented on a post, thank you. All of you have taught me about the gifts I have to share. Small gifts, but powerful and worthy. You've taught me that there really is a lot of common good in humanity.

This work has always been about shedding guilt and shame surrounding our sexuality, about healing that rift within. We all have wounds that we carry, and I see how human touch, affection, love and even lust can be healing. This is a chance to heal these deep wounds, to learn how to share that with others.

Dakini training!

I have been pretty quiet the past week. I was so excited about my workshop weekend, eagerly anticipating what knowledge I might receive, what I could learn from other women, networking opportunities, and how all this would improve my business.

I feel such a great urgency to move forward on this path. There was that break, and I wasn't too sure how I would come out of it, but something (like my Saturn return) sparked in me like a firework, and all of the sudden it's the only thing in my mind. 

The workshop was centered in tantric tradition and Dakini mentorship. While its not changing my service in an abrupt or large way, it will impact it in subtle and deeper ways. It was also a good step to meet others who meet this work in a sacred manner. And to see how others are forging their own path.

It was so wonderful to see a group of women, not in competition with each other, nor uniting against clients. Instead, we were sharing our gifts with each other, for the benefit and healing of our clients. It was so sweet.

My Incall dates are coming up and I'm so excited! I'm still going to be giving my first rate service, but now I'm incorporating new techniques, and consciously setting sacred space.