Taking Time for Self

A part of my homework was to observe and to create rituals for self care.  In an initiatory path, any transformational work really, the first thing that happens is that all the old bits that no longer serve you, or are potential obstacles--all that starts to break up and reveal itself.  So taking care of the self, remaining conscious of the path and giving love to the self are all very important.

And I find the better I treat myself, the more that love just radiates out. It's been hard at times...I get caught up in the bustle of the holiday season. Yoga has been a wonderful way to take time out.  I'm reading more too. After a few books for my courtesan study, I'm taking a break with a few Grant Morrison graphic novels.  Now that guy knows a thing or two about initiation and magick. In fact, some of the material hits so close I'm not so sure this is light reading after all.

With all the bustle of the holiday season, I'm prepared to sit in my hotel room this week all alone with my class notes and journal. Maybe get some holiday shopping done. And then again, Babalon may gift me with a few wonderful men.

After all, I've been taking time out for myself....why not take some time out for yourself too?

Conversations at Work

I'm taking a lot more time off now, so I'm getting questions from co-workers. This one is preserved as much as possible because it's a gem.  Imagine me talking about this with an old Chinese woman....


"So...what this program you doing?"

"It's a program for...counseling. You know how some people feel bad about their body, they are lonely and want to meet someone? Or sometimes people just need to feel listened to, to feel connection. My friends always came to me for relationship advice, even before I ever started dating. So that's kinda what I'm doing..."

"Oh...you help people feel good with themselves. They spend time and feel better. They leave with smile on."

"....Yes, *****. That's exactly it!"

Diving Deeply: The Root Chakra

The last couple of weeks went by in a blur. The first part of spent in preparation for my weekend intensive. I had been calling them three day workshops, but now I understand why she calls them intensives. We spent most of three days with each other, learning from our teachers, from each other. Diving deeply into the energies of the root chakra: foundation, community, the material and sensual world, a coming into our bodies and our purpose. It was part magickal education, energy work, psychology and self-analysis, therapeutic techniques, life coaching and a path of spiritual initiation.

The first half of this week was something of a Toad's Wild Ride...getting my schedule straight for the next month and realizing my calendar starting to take shape for a full year. Holiday preparation. Beer brined turkey! And a list of old and dear friends to get back in touch with.

There is a new urge in me to become more seen...to live my path just a little more "out" and to put my gifts out there. To live my spiritual path more visibly and consciously.

And there is an urge to find space to let loose and be wild, and explore the spontaneous healing possible in that too.

Working with Taboo

One of my favorite types of sessions is exploring and playing with taboos.  Taboos, what is culturally or socially forbidden, is part of what defines a group of people. Those who don't play along are shunned or marginalized.  But nobody fits in completely, we are all drawn to one forbidden thing or another. We are drawn to these things because what is forbidden holds mystery, holds unknown keys to shadowed parts of ourselves.

My favorite taboo may be mixing sex in the workplace.  Stuffy offices, noisy factories. We are told constantly never to form relationships in the workplace, yet it happens. There is something in blurring those lines, in giving into animal drives despite logical reasoning. I also like the idea of bringing that erotic, intimate energy into places so often devoid of it.

And of course, coming to see a escort has its own taboo. Two people meeting in secret, creating something in a container made of shadow and secrecy.  It reminds me so much of magicians coming together for a secret sex rite.  Even just indulging in your own pleasure has been taboo due to this country's puritanical roots.

A more private taboo is my desire for submission. It's not secret that I tend towards the submissive in the bedroom and in play, but I rarely see the full range of it except with my own lovers. Much of it I would only indulge in with those I have a strong trust in. It takes a lot of trust for me to truly give up power.

There's lots of other taboos I like to explore, but I'll save them for another time. 

Notes from the Week

When last Sunday's Victory Bonfires broke out in the Mission...I had a feeling that it would be better to take the week off.  Not that a "week off" is ever truly a week off for me.  It's just that instead of luxuriating in pleasure I was doing things like....

.... checking out the coolest "science fair" all about booze and distilling. Lots of really finely crafted liquors: gin, whiskeys, rum, absinthe, geniveve (a dutch gin).  Oh yeah, and an awesome robot that mixed flaming cocktails.

.... discovering what they truly mean by: 'mo money, 'mo problems. Luckily, I can deal with this much.

.... sticking clear of the Giants parade. I'm not big on crowds, and especially crowds getting drunk before I had even gotten to my day job.

.... secret underground cabaret! I almost got tossed out for not wearing all black, (I had to go with red stockings, shamless whore that I am!)  but I made friends with our wonderful host by smoking her out with my finest trees. Wonderful acts of creation, of music and poetry, some just sharing stories. Ever so inspirational.

.... a randy & random hook-up with Hunter S. Thompson....okay, not really him, but in spirit. Spirit, I say.

.... setting up my long-term schedule for the coming months.  With my sacred courtesan weekend intensives, my incall weekends, trying to schedule some photo shoots, fitting in some family time for holidays...oh my, I am going to busy!


I remind myself to be patient for the next couple of months. I must keep the commitment to one job while transitioning to a stronger passion. It's good to keep the security while I take this time in preparation, to clarify my aims, to shift my personal habits...so many things making tiny shifts so they all orient in the same direction.  I want to live singularly, even if part of my work remains in shadow.

Reflections from San Jose

With my dedication to the sacred courtesan school made, I have been chomping at the bit to get started. My first intensive isn't even until mid-November. It has been a practice of patience, and dedications to commitments.  Indeed, there are a thousand little things I can do to be preparing (like writing more for this blog, hmm?) for the course. 

My weekend in San Jose went rather well. I met some wonderful people, and I was reminded that being open and extending trust are the foundation of relationship, of connection. Even a random stranger can amaze you with profundity if you are open to listening. It can feel like an odd thing to do with a stranger, in a culture where we are told to distrust everything: strangers, the media, our government, our senses. We are even told to discount ourselves. Most of our wounds, then, are truly about trust and connection.

I also recognized how centered on self I have been...in my motivations, my plans, my goals, in my work. Even my motivation in giving pleasure seems somewhat rooted in self desires. And in seeing this, I realize that it's also okay. I'm not totally self-focused, I seem to be focusing my energy where I most need healing. This weekend, I turned that around. I focused more on perceiving the needs of others, and being fulfilled through the satisfaction of those needs.

There was a profound realization in doing this, in shifting the focus from mere desires, to the need for connection, the need to be heard. The healing goes both ways. When a true connection is made, trust is exchanged and both people are open to the other...the energy flows in a wider circle, it circulates and is cleansed. Healing is generated by the two, by the connection. It's not a one way transmission.

What is even more beautiful to me is the thought that this healing will continue, that is will be spread by connection. The healing is shared, and the open we are to it, the more it is shared, the more it regenerates. 

Amulet

I wear a Goddess amulet more often than not, and I'm often asked which Goddess she is. The funny thing is, I never had an answer. It was not clearly any one goddess, no identifying symbols. I had asked many times, which Goddess are you, and she remained silent.  So I always insisted that she was the Nameless One, she represented all Goddesses.

As a witch, I believe things happen for a reason, especially concerning magical objects. My most powerful objects have always found me, I didn't go out looking for them. So when my Nameless Goddess decided stay behind for a prolonged visit...well, I hope She knows what she's doing.

I've been ever so distracted without it. And I think I took it for granted, didn't even realize how it's helped to shield and ground me.  The huge onyx on the back would do that. And of course, absorbing all that beautiful energy that I work with. In some ways, it has been good to go without. I am feeling more sensitive to the energies around me, allowing more work with them. And I can only hope She is bringing juicy healing to her guest.

Working this week, and especially this weekend, without her has been interesting. I think I've been taking a few more chances, relying more on intuition and strength of self to guide my choices. I am making an effort to feel the vibrations of people and how our vibrations harmonize.  I am sort of an auto-tuner....I easily harmonize with others vibrations. That's all part in how I work, I am realizing. Harmonize, guiding in building energy to heal, to attract, or release unwanted things.

And then, just last night...after a day of distractions and bounty in turn, in a moment of solitude, she spoke her name to me: babalon, Babalon, BABALON! She is the voice that calls me back towards the amulet, the Great Whore urging towards the sacred annihilation of sex, seeking her Beast to ride. She whispers her lessons to me in these moments, dancing in my kimono and victora secret's....

Healing doesn't always need to be serious. There is healing in laughter, in play, in fucking. It's in the open-hearted acceptance of all desires that breaks the shell of shame. There is healing in separation and solitude, as much as in union. And allowing for the universe to seek its natural balance, always working with the currents and not against them.