Disclaimer: I'm not Christian. Never was nor will be. I do believe there are truths in every religion, and I've made my life a study to find these truths. I write this as a way to question traditional methods & beliefs.
During my first year as an escort, I experienced a lot of healing. Sometimes it was as simple as just paying my bills, sometimes my overall mood was better. And sometimes I would have these moments of...revelation.
It was one of these moments that continues to stick with me, and I wasn't even working at the time. I was actually just washing dishes, reflecting on a few past sessions. How open I felt, and how loving. It truly felt like unconditional love for everyone. At that moment, I just wanted to express it, to anyone and everyone who came my way.
I don't always feel that way, but it comes more and more. In session, it flows most easily. The biggest challenge has really been to balance that, to hold on to that compassion even when someone has sparked up my temper!
Judgement is the opposite of Love. When we get caught up in how someone "should be" and how they measure up, we loose track of what is. What if their gift is not measurable? What if their gift is not valued by these high and mighty "standards," what then? We are blinded to who and what a person Is, and the magnificence waiting to awaken.
In that moment, there was no judgement...only understanding. Anyone could have walked into that door, and I would have found a unique, loving and lovable person. Of course, I have to balance this with compassionate boundaries. And I feel this ability to see into the love, to just be the love for my clients, is one of my greatest gifts to offer.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
A Heart Full of Love: The Heart Chakra
The Heart Chakra: Love, how we give and recieve it
The weekend retreat was powerful. We practiced giving & receiving adorations. You wouldn't think that taking in a compliment would be hard...but I saw the men link arms tightly, as if they could lose each other. There were tears, on both sides, and such courage. It takes courage to be open enough that another person can see your true beauty.
While I am a Sex Worker, I am also a Heart Worker. Wounds of the heart and wounds of the sex are intertwined. Well, I am finding them to be all intertwined, but especially these two.
This weekend, I dedicated to healing these wounds. Because as humans, we all have a need to feel loved, to feel desire, to feel connection. And having those needs fufilled is healing, it can penetrate in a deep way, reach parts of your life you didn't think was connected.
The weekend retreat was powerful. We practiced giving & receiving adorations. You wouldn't think that taking in a compliment would be hard...but I saw the men link arms tightly, as if they could lose each other. There were tears, on both sides, and such courage. It takes courage to be open enough that another person can see your true beauty.
While I am a Sex Worker, I am also a Heart Worker. Wounds of the heart and wounds of the sex are intertwined. Well, I am finding them to be all intertwined, but especially these two.
This weekend, I dedicated to healing these wounds. Because as humans, we all have a need to feel loved, to feel desire, to feel connection. And having those needs fufilled is healing, it can penetrate in a deep way, reach parts of your life you didn't think was connected.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Lights On, Eyes Open
First posted on 10 Sept 2010, on my old blog. What I wrote then is still so very true, and a great illustration of how the path has continued for me.
In my early sexual life, I think I had my eye closed most of the time. It's most natural when faces are pressed closed; shutting out one sense hightens the others. When the world goes dark behind the eyelids, bodies melt together easily, lost in touch and taste.
But more and more, I've been keeping my eyes open to enjoy the show. Something about the newness of each unique experience--and faces. I love watching your faces! Seeing eyebrows furrow in concentration of the rhythm, to that moment of release and you are in total bliss. Yes, and the dreamy look when your face is stuffed with pussy. These looks are my cues and a gift to know how much I please you.
Sometimes, with the bed rocking, it seems like I'm in a boat on the ocean, the walls and ceiling bobbing back and forth. Dimmed lights bring a greater sense of secrecy and intrigue to these trysts, while candlelight always brings me into a sacred place.
of course, there are times when I can't help but close my eyes and lose myself and perhaps that makes watching all the sweeter.
In my early sexual life, I think I had my eye closed most of the time. It's most natural when faces are pressed closed; shutting out one sense hightens the others. When the world goes dark behind the eyelids, bodies melt together easily, lost in touch and taste.
But more and more, I've been keeping my eyes open to enjoy the show. Something about the newness of each unique experience--and faces. I love watching your faces! Seeing eyebrows furrow in concentration of the rhythm, to that moment of release and you are in total bliss. Yes, and the dreamy look when your face is stuffed with pussy. These looks are my cues and a gift to know how much I please you.
Sometimes, with the bed rocking, it seems like I'm in a boat on the ocean, the walls and ceiling bobbing back and forth. Dimmed lights bring a greater sense of secrecy and intrigue to these trysts, while candlelight always brings me into a sacred place.
of course, there are times when I can't help but close my eyes and lose myself and perhaps that makes watching all the sweeter.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
The Sensual & The Powerful: 2nd & 3rd Chakras
The second chakra is emotion, the sensual world, energy and flow.
The third is potency, personal power and ethics.
The past couple of months have reflected both of these. For myself, a weakness in one chakra is reflected in how another chakra manifests. I've put most of my focus on building personal power. My week long birthday celebration was a wonderful reflection of growing confidence and ability to manifest. And in taking that energy forward, I've been flexing my social muscles, so to speak. Choosing to speak when I would normally stay silent. Breathing and centering instead of reacting. Letting my priestess come forward with compassion, instead of a defensive warrior. All these are part of me, and it's my power to choose what I come forward with.
I am flowing, and I am manifesting. I've been dreaming, plotting and planning for these big changes, and they feel like they are starting to sprout, to push out against the surface of potentiality and into reality. I am awakening to a great empathy that feels rooted in my second chakra: I sense desire in others so easily, I sense those stronger, passionate feelings and feel them in myself.
As I came forward into the power chakra, it was my birthday week....and that really was a fabulous week. If only it were that easy for me to sit and dwell in my power! But so often, it feels like a struggle to be heard. I know part of it is my fear that I will speak out loud & proud and be ridiculed....or worse yet, just ignored. There's a fear-ruled voice that says it is better to stay silent, to be ignored without speaking because to take the chance would hurt so much more.
And that's old wounding. Wounding that I am pushing past with each of these blog posts. To speak my truth, even if it's a little intellectual and spiritual, and maybe not sexy hot. There is sexiness in speaking Truth, in being brave enough to speak it. Those are my lessons in these chakras.
The third is potency, personal power and ethics.
The past couple of months have reflected both of these. For myself, a weakness in one chakra is reflected in how another chakra manifests. I've put most of my focus on building personal power. My week long birthday celebration was a wonderful reflection of growing confidence and ability to manifest. And in taking that energy forward, I've been flexing my social muscles, so to speak. Choosing to speak when I would normally stay silent. Breathing and centering instead of reacting. Letting my priestess come forward with compassion, instead of a defensive warrior. All these are part of me, and it's my power to choose what I come forward with.
I am flowing, and I am manifesting. I've been dreaming, plotting and planning for these big changes, and they feel like they are starting to sprout, to push out against the surface of potentiality and into reality. I am awakening to a great empathy that feels rooted in my second chakra: I sense desire in others so easily, I sense those stronger, passionate feelings and feel them in myself.
As I came forward into the power chakra, it was my birthday week....and that really was a fabulous week. If only it were that easy for me to sit and dwell in my power! But so often, it feels like a struggle to be heard. I know part of it is my fear that I will speak out loud & proud and be ridiculed....or worse yet, just ignored. There's a fear-ruled voice that says it is better to stay silent, to be ignored without speaking because to take the chance would hurt so much more.
And that's old wounding. Wounding that I am pushing past with each of these blog posts. To speak my truth, even if it's a little intellectual and spiritual, and maybe not sexy hot. There is sexiness in speaking Truth, in being brave enough to speak it. Those are my lessons in these chakras.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wicked!
I celebrated my birthday the last week of January. It took up most of the week, which was pretty great. After getting over the holiday blues, my month of reflection was wonderful and spacious. I practiced over-the-top desserts for my party, enjoyed seeing my separate circles of friends mingling together, and reveled in a wonderful happiness. There was the party, a few special dinners, and my birthday week culminated with a small group coming with me to see Wicked.
Wicked is based on a novel by Gregory Macguire, retelling the story of the Wicked Witch of the West. It brings to question..."are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" The witch, Elphaba, is actually trying to stand up for what she believes in, only to painted as wicked because she stands in the way of the current ruling powers. Not only is the message very real, but the show is just fantastic. I've always been a musical fan, since my clarinet-playing days, but I hadn't taken in San Francisco's theater until recently. Wicked totally reawakened that love.
It was perfect timing too. At a time when I'm focusing on my gifts and living who I am to the fullest, so that I can encourage that in others...this was just the perfect show to see. My favorite song comes at the end of the first act, when Elphaba decides it's not worth living a lie to gain social acceptance. The song, Defining Gravity, is so powerful for me.
"Something has changed within me,
something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of
someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time I trust my instincts,
close my eyes...and leap."
It feels like my theme song.
Wicked is based on a novel by Gregory Macguire, retelling the story of the Wicked Witch of the West. It brings to question..."are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" The witch, Elphaba, is actually trying to stand up for what she believes in, only to painted as wicked because she stands in the way of the current ruling powers. Not only is the message very real, but the show is just fantastic. I've always been a musical fan, since my clarinet-playing days, but I hadn't taken in San Francisco's theater until recently. Wicked totally reawakened that love.
It was perfect timing too. At a time when I'm focusing on my gifts and living who I am to the fullest, so that I can encourage that in others...this was just the perfect show to see. My favorite song comes at the end of the first act, when Elphaba decides it's not worth living a lie to gain social acceptance. The song, Defining Gravity, is so powerful for me.
"Something has changed within me,
something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of
someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time I trust my instincts,
close my eyes...and leap."
It feels like my theme song.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Winter Reading List
I've been reading quite a few books in the past couple of months. Some I'm still working through, some I've finished. Much of them have been non-fiction or for my course. I still manage some casual reading though.
I finished the last bit of The Sea Priestess, by Dion Fortune. I kinds knew where it was heading, the last chapter, while very well written...perhaps a little predictable. I have been enjoying going through it again to find the most teaching passes.
In the Dark Places of Wisdom, by Peter Kingsley. I picked this up while browsing Green Apple Books. It traces the Western philosophy and occult movements to the original split, and dives deeper to reveal its Eastern roots. It was an interesting perspective that has a ring of truth to it.
All My Heroes Were Hos, by Phyllis Serene. A picked up a kindle copy pretty cheap, as a recommendation. It's a fun little read, and shows be what could be possible for my own writing in the future.
The Long Day: The Story of a New York Working Girl, by Dorothy Richardson. Free as digital on Amazon! Originally published in 1905, it was converted to digital by a team of volunteers. A little glimpse into history is quite interesting. I'm not very far into it, truth be told. It had been in my kindle app for bits of casual reading. Too bad I've not had much time for casual!
The Invisibles, volumes 1 & 2, by Grant Morrison. I borrowed these from a good friend, reading a bit here and there in between more "serious" literature. But there are ideas tucked away in this comic, invisible worlds, altered consciousness...it has strangely informed my magickal studies. Then again, perhaps not so strange, as Morrison himself is a magician!
Sin in the Second City: Madams, Ministers, Playboys, and the Battle for America's Soul, by Karen Abbott.. Another book I picked up. This one is about the Everleigh Sisters and their infamous Everleigh Club in Chicago, during the 1930s. I'm still working my way through it, but I really love the way these two work. They have a finesse I would gladly study under.
The Myth of Male Power, by Warren Farrell. The men in our course were reading this, so I decided I should read it too. And yes, I'm so glad I did. I'm only into the second chapter, and I'm surprised at how familiar I am with some of these concepts. The Red Queen talked a little about the biological side of male disposability disguised as male power, and this book has more of the psychological and cultural/socialization side of it.
I finished the last bit of The Sea Priestess, by Dion Fortune. I kinds knew where it was heading, the last chapter, while very well written...perhaps a little predictable. I have been enjoying going through it again to find the most teaching passes.
In the Dark Places of Wisdom, by Peter Kingsley. I picked this up while browsing Green Apple Books. It traces the Western philosophy and occult movements to the original split, and dives deeper to reveal its Eastern roots. It was an interesting perspective that has a ring of truth to it.
All My Heroes Were Hos, by Phyllis Serene. A picked up a kindle copy pretty cheap, as a recommendation. It's a fun little read, and shows be what could be possible for my own writing in the future.
The Long Day: The Story of a New York Working Girl, by Dorothy Richardson. Free as digital on Amazon! Originally published in 1905, it was converted to digital by a team of volunteers. A little glimpse into history is quite interesting. I'm not very far into it, truth be told. It had been in my kindle app for bits of casual reading. Too bad I've not had much time for casual!
The Invisibles, volumes 1 & 2, by Grant Morrison. I borrowed these from a good friend, reading a bit here and there in between more "serious" literature. But there are ideas tucked away in this comic, invisible worlds, altered consciousness...it has strangely informed my magickal studies. Then again, perhaps not so strange, as Morrison himself is a magician!
Sin in the Second City: Madams, Ministers, Playboys, and the Battle for America's Soul, by Karen Abbott.. Another book I picked up. This one is about the Everleigh Sisters and their infamous Everleigh Club in Chicago, during the 1930s. I'm still working my way through it, but I really love the way these two work. They have a finesse I would gladly study under.
The Myth of Male Power, by Warren Farrell. The men in our course were reading this, so I decided I should read it too. And yes, I'm so glad I did. I'm only into the second chapter, and I'm surprised at how familiar I am with some of these concepts. The Red Queen talked a little about the biological side of male disposability disguised as male power, and this book has more of the psychological and cultural/socialization side of it.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Taking Time for Self
A part of my homework was to observe and to create rituals for self care. In an initiatory path, any transformational work really, the first thing that happens is that all the old bits that no longer serve you, or are potential obstacles--all that starts to break up and reveal itself. So taking care of the self, remaining conscious of the path and giving love to the self are all very important.
And I find the better I treat myself, the more that love just radiates out. It's been hard at times...I get caught up in the bustle of the holiday season. Yoga has been a wonderful way to take time out. I'm reading more too. After a few books for my courtesan study, I'm taking a break with a few Grant Morrison graphic novels. Now that guy knows a thing or two about initiation and magick. In fact, some of the material hits so close I'm not so sure this is light reading after all.
With all the bustle of the holiday season, I'm prepared to sit in my hotel room this week all alone with my class notes and journal. Maybe get some holiday shopping done. And then again, Babalon may gift me with a few wonderful men.
After all, I've been taking time out for myself....why not take some time out for yourself too?
And I find the better I treat myself, the more that love just radiates out. It's been hard at times...I get caught up in the bustle of the holiday season. Yoga has been a wonderful way to take time out. I'm reading more too. After a few books for my courtesan study, I'm taking a break with a few Grant Morrison graphic novels. Now that guy knows a thing or two about initiation and magick. In fact, some of the material hits so close I'm not so sure this is light reading after all.
With all the bustle of the holiday season, I'm prepared to sit in my hotel room this week all alone with my class notes and journal. Maybe get some holiday shopping done. And then again, Babalon may gift me with a few wonderful men.
After all, I've been taking time out for myself....why not take some time out for yourself too?
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